I want to be alone. I don’t mean alone like nobody else around or nobody talking to me. I mean alone like I’ve never known anyone and have no memories of anything I’ve ever done to hurt anyone or memories of anything I’ve ever done to be ashamed of.
I don’t want anybody trying to cheer me up either.
I don’t do yoga to feel good.
I’m not even sure I do it for myself.
I told a devi I know that I want everyone to leave me alone so that I can practice. But that will never work.
I can’t walk around like a one-man monastery.
I am of the world.
I practice in temptation and the six o’clock body count.
I practice in the light and darkness of everything I’ve ever thought, said or done.
All experience is mind.
All practice is mind.
I’m coming out of Denny’s with my first cup of the day. The sky is clouded over and I can’t see the sunrise. Kinda gloomy; like my mood. I’m moping along and a woman is walking next to me a few steps away.
She says to me…
Isn’t this a beautiful morning?
I say: Yes. (no)
She says: It makes me happy.
I say: Yeah, me too. (not really)
She says: Good morning Border Patrol guys! (to a group of Border Patrol men coming around the corner from the parking lot. They ignore her.)
We continue on our parallel paths until we pass on either side of a light pole as I turn toward the parking lot.
Bread and butter! She calls out.
And I say bread and butter back to her. By now she has my attention and I look over at her for the first time and see that she is trying hard to make eye contact. We connect for a moment and then go our ways.
My teachers keep showing up.
Do you want the world to hush so that you can think, she says? Do you require an unblemished mind before you care for yourself? Do those things seem likely? And what then would your practice be? Come on. Break’s over. The morning’s beauty is waiting just for you.
Sometimes I want to shed who I think I am (and who I think you think I am) and fade into a crowd and try to get it right.
And then someone offers me the simplest community and reminds me that I can only ever practice with things as they are.